The Learning Curve of a Decade

By Joe Jenkins

“When I am grown to a man’s state I shall be very proud and great. And tell the other girls and boys not to meddle with my toys.”
--Robert Louis Stevenson

Everybody told me it would happen. I just didn’t want to listen. So to my elders that promised me that one day I would wake up and be something resembling an adult, you were right. Feel free to send all “I told you so’s” here.

As the ball was dropping to close out 1999, we all closed our eyes and winced at the possible pain that would result from Y2K. While I was distracted with the lack of explosions, financial crisis, and the marvel of just how many 5 gallon jugs of water and cases of Spaghetti-O’s were needlessly purchased, nobody told me that this would be the precise moment when somebody would stomp on the gas pedal of my life, and leave me just trying to catch up. Now, in what seems like mere moments after I realized that Y2K was a non factor, my teenage angst can’t even be seen in my rear-view mirror and I’m pushing 30. What the hell could I have possibly learned over the course of 10 years that seems more like 10 seconds?

Let’s see here…

World/News/Politics

*I learned—within the first few seconds of this decade—that I shouldn’t over react to every potential scare that the media brings to our attention. Sometimes what we perceive to be the big problem really isn’t that big of a deal. At least fear mongers got to dust off their cold war bomb shelters! Thanks Y2K!

*I learned that it doesn’t necessarily matter how many people vote for a guy to be President of the United States, it matters more where they vote for him…

*I learned that one fateful day in September can stand as a reminder that our day-to-day safety is a luxury not to be taken for granted. I learned that there are much better people than me out there that are willing to sacrifice themselves for a greater good. I learned that it is less important to wonder “Who could do such a thing?” than it is to be aware that there are people who simply will. I learned just how quickly we can set aside our differences when we really want to. I then learned how quickly we can forget about all of that and return to a life of arguing about the chasm that stands between two relatively similar political views.

*I learned that starting wars is pretty easy. I learned that claiming that the Mission was accomplished is pretty easy, too. I’m now very sadly aware that the ability to end a war is much harder than we were lead to believe.

*We learned that William Mark Felt was “Deep Throat.” Turns out he was just as flawed as you and I and not the superhero I had made him out to be. He came clean as his health was fading in hopes to spin a few dollars for his family out of some book deals. I guess sometimes the perceived truth we spend time pursuing can be a lot more romantic than the unfiltered reality.

*I learned that there are enough people in this country that are open minded enough to listen to what a man is saying, and elect him to the highest office, regardless of his race.

Pop culture/Entertainment

*I learned that I can use reality TV stars and Lindsay Lohan as a barometer for just how normal I really am. The fewer parallels I can draw between myself and anyone that refers to himself as “The Situation,” the better.

*I learned that for every Ted Bundy that nobody expected to be a killer, there’s a Phil Spector, where everyone should’ve known it just by looking at the guy.

*I’ve learned that there’s an app for that…and by “that,” I mean everything. If you need an app to evaluate your dietary needs based on the odor of your flatulence, I’m pretty sure there’s an app for that. If there’s not, I have friends that have established a definite need. For the good of mankind, we need to get this lined up.

*I’ve learned that no man can come out of a break up stronger than Justin Timberlake. JT bailed on Britney; showed Janet Jackson’s Boobie; showed us he’s a pretty good actor; made his solo music good enough to make us forget about N’Sync; and joined the ranks the pantheon of “Legendary SNL hosts” along with Alec Baldwin, John Goodman, and Christopher Walken. Oh yeah, and his list of post-Britney women reads like a “women we’d all wish could do Playboy but probably never will” list. I am now convinced that if JT went swimming in a 50 year old septic tank, Calvin Klein would try to bottle the smell for his latest fragrance. That’s the kind of pull this guy has now.

*FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter, etc. have changed the way we view the world. Celebrities, politicians, athletes and standard issue private citizens no longer need journalists or newspapers to convey their message. As a result, we no longer care that our news is “correct” or “accurate,” just that it is the latest information. It is beyond my abilities to properly describe the impact that this will continue to have on our country and the world.

*I watched as “LOL” ceased to be an abbreviation, and became punctuation. It has now attained comma or period-like status. I’m still learning how disheartening this is for me…

*I learned that paying for commercial free radio is worth every penny.

*I learned that a pothead screaming things like “Charlie Murphy!” and muppets teaching kids about STDs can make you laugh so hard you’ll shoot Easy-Mac out of your nose.

*I learned that when people responsible for so many of the sights, songs, sounds and quotes of your youth die (Michael Jackson, John Hughes, etc.), you get a little bit older whether you like it or not…

Sports

*Most people learned about Tom Brady… (Some of us knew him from his Michigan days, but let’s not nitpick here…). Most people outside of New England and Michigan now just wish he’d go away.

*I learned that retiring from the NFL doesn’t mean that you’ll actually stop playing.

*I learned that baseball curses are alive in well in 2003. One involving a Billy Goat that is of particular pain for me…
…only to learn the following year that the cure for all of them is to assemble a group of people that very simply don’t care.

*I learned that in order to properly make a movie about Barry Bonds, you’d need to cast Chris Rock for the Pirates years, and Michael Clarke Duncan for the Giants years.

*I learned that it’s only when a consensus dick-head started toppling “sacred” records that baseball started caring about steroids.

*I learned being a world class golfer doesn’t automatically make you a world class human being…I’m still trying to learn if that last part is even any of my business.

*I learned that defense may WIN championships, but it only takes one Rex Grossman to cancel it out.

*I’m beginning to learn that Chicago might really be where quarterbacks go to die. (I’m even factoring in Cutler’s Minnesota performance here. You can’t treat me to one steak dinner and expect me to accept you as my girlfriend…)

*I learned that the days of all the guys getting together “super bowl party-style” on a Saturday night to watch the big pay-per-view fight is now reserved for MMA and not boxing.

*I learned that with the NFL being specifically designed to steer every team toward 8-8, New England, Indianapolis and Pittsburgh are just insanely good.

*I learned that there’s nothing more amazing than to have gone so far only to find myself standing in the exact same place: I spent the last October (okay…November) of the decade the same way I spent the first: Watching those damn Yankees win the World Series.

Personal

*I learned that when you chase your dreams for your whole life, you may not be thrilled with the way they look when you catch them.

*I learned that “one more last drink” at the bar can cost a lot more than $5…

*I learned that getting broken up with is pretty painful…

*I learned that breaking up with someone is significantly worse…

*I learned that it’s not the capacity to drink that diminishes with age; it’s the ability to recover.

*I learned that two people can truly love each other and have completely different definitions of what that really means. As intellectual and heady as I like to be, I still haven’t learned too much about why this is. I have, however, learned that Don Henley was right back in the ‘90’s when he told us that at the heart of the matter lies forgiveness.

*I’m learning as I write this that I have left a lot out. Fill in what you feel I have missed.

*I learned that I can’t ever start completely over—and why would I after all that I’ve learned?

*I’ve learned that the path ahead of me is more uncertain than it has been in years…
and I’ve learned that I can’t wait to see what happens next…

Happy New Year/New Decade everyone.